


It hurts to fall

by Hamilzander_Alexton



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Aziraphale doesn’t fucking remember his DAMN HUSBAND, Beelzebub is fucking trying, Beelzebub was Ramiel, Beez and Crowley are siblings, Crowley is Raphael, Gabriel and Beez have the hots for each other, Gabriel’s a bitch, M/M, Other, idk man, uhhhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-07-28 22:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20071471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamilzander_Alexton/pseuds/Hamilzander_Alexton
Summary: This is basically just a pre-cannon story about Raphael’s fall and how he tries to get his angel husband to remember him even though he’s now a demon





	1. Chapter 1

Raphael did his job and he did it diligently, crafting stars and planets, and galaxies for the Almighty. He healed angels who got injured, not that they did all that often. He lived with his soulmate, crafted for him by god herself. Aziraphale had been crafted for him, perfect for him in every way. Heaven, well it was beautiful, white and pure and lovely. It was a quite perfect little life, actually. 

That was why it stung so much more when he fell. He didn’t understand why he was punished for using the curiosity that God herself had given him. All he had done was asked questions, not even questions that he deemed to be huge deals, though, in hindsight, he knew little things could add up. And he had been asking questions for a long, long time. Falling hurt. Falling felt like every part of his body was being bathed in fire. But the worst part of falling, for Raphael personally, was watching Gabriel, his _ friend _ , erase Aziraphale’s memory of any trace of the fallen angel. For a quick second, Raphael could swear he saw regret on Gabriel’s face... But if it had existed at all, it was gone by the time the Archangel turned to lead Azirphale away from Heaven’s edge. 

It seemed to be hours he spent, just free-falling. His wings had long since been singed and blackened by the time he crashed into the very pits of hell, but they still ached terribly. Everything ached terribly. 

Raphael was welcomed by a crowd of faces standing above him, borderline-sneering as they talked about him openly. 

“Seems as if we have a new arrival.” One murmured. 

“I’m not giving the damn tour this time.” another grumbled.

“What’s your name?” One asked, directly to him. And the face looked oddly familiar. 

“Raphael.” He answered. His voice was well beyond use from all of his pointlessly screaming. 

His answer though seemed to shock the people above him as the familiar-looking one helped him to his feet. “We don’t often see too many Archangels fall. What happened, Raphael?” There was a sort of familiarity in their tone as if they recognised him the same way he did them. 

“Pardon? I um, I asked a few too many questions, I suppose.” He answered, biting his inner cheek. 

The familiar one’s face twisted and contorted to display ultimate rage. He took a small step away from the other, afraid he had said something wrong. “Have I offended you in some way? I’m deeply sorry.”

“You haven’t offended me, Raphael. I just… Heaven is growing too unjust in their banishments for my comfort.” They explained. “You’ll have to pick a new name soon, Little br-” They stopped, frowning for a moment before continuing. “Soon enough, hearing your heavenly name will hurt. Best pick a name sooner rather than later.” 

He nodded. “I um, I suppose Crowley’s a rather nice name. Good and Irish.” Crowley had not fought in the war between heaven and the rebels… but his sibling had. Ramiel had fought... And even though he had fought for what Crowley had seen as the wrong side, he wanted to honour his sibling. That’s mostly why he chose the name, Crowley. The name Crowley came from the name O'Cruadhlaoich which meant ‘descendant of the hardy warrior’. 

The familiar stranger gave an appreciative nod. “Crowley. Sounds good enough. Now let’s get a move on.”

Crowley frowned slightly. “Now hold on just a moment. You know both of my names, But I know not a single name to attach to you.”

A weak smile teased at the corners of the stranger’s lips. “My name? Well, my name is Beelzebub. Any other questions?”

“Only one for now.” 

Beelzebub gave a nod, signalling for him to continue. 

“You don’t happen to know of any demons that were previously named Ramiel... Do you?” Crowley was too caught up in his own sheepishness to see the harsh look of pain that flashed on Beelzebub’s face.

“I do.’

“You do! Brilliant, may I see them?”

“Later Crowley.” Beezlebub scolded like one would scold a child. 

The fallen angel nodded softly. “Understood.” He murmured, ducking his head. He hadn’t meant to get ahead of himself quite like that. 

By the time they had finished their little tour, Beelzebub had set him up with a little ‘Office’ surprisingly close to their own throne room. 

He was left to his own devices after that, to try and deal with everything that had happened in so little time. The dam holding back his emotions broke as everything finally caught up to him. He had lost everything he had. What the hell was he going to do now?

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Crowley had adjusted to hell well enough he supposed, but he hated it. It was too crowded, too dirty. There were no stars, there was no white, there were no smiles, no Gabriel, no Aziraphale, no love. Hell was dark and cold. Crowley remembered on the odd cold night in heaven (it was rarely anything but moderately temperate), snuggling up with Aziraphale on the sofa in his workshop. If he focused hard enough, he could visualise the workshop he shared with Gabriel, who helped him building galaxies and nebulas and stars and planets. It was a beautiful cream coloured rooms with golden swirls on the walls. There were two work tables fitted with tools from the almighty herself, one was his, one was Gabriel’s (Though often they’d end up just working at the same bench for sake of working with someone instead of alone). There was a decent-sized sofa directly across from the door, with a small table next to it. The workshop was barren, but it serviced its purpose and it was cosy enough. 

Crowley’s heart sank as he was hit with the full realisation that he would never see that workshop again. He sighed to himself. It was all over. His former life was over, gone, done. Crowley twisted his wedding ring on his finger, an anxious habit. It was a beautiful little this, made from the most heavenly gold and charmed to play the harp song he and Aziraphale danced to at their wedding. It was the single most important thing Crowley owned, and he imagined it would be for the rest of the foreseeable future. 

Crowley often wandered Hell with no actual place to go. There wasn’t much for demons to do with God’s new creations not quite finished. Crowley heard rumours, that the new creations were going to be modelled after angels. Crowley found himself envying the new creations. 

\---

When the time came to send a demon up to tempt the new creations into sin… Beelzebub didn’t hesitate to send Crowley up. They had seen how he travelled through hell aimlessly, seen how he felt about hell. So they sent him up to get a bit of fresh air and such. Honestly, how were they supposed to know that the guardian of the eastern gate was Crowley’s former husband?

\---

Crowley had been stalking the garden for quite a few days before he first saw Aziraphale, standing there in all of his angelic glory. He wanted to approach him just then and there, but Aziraphale didn’t remember him, and that sword looked like it could just about discorporate him in a single swipe. So he stayed his distance, as much as it killed him. 

Eve was practically begging to eat that apple. She just needed a bit of courage was all. A little nudge from someone. Crowley was that nudge. He knew this choice. The choice between ignorance and knowledge. He knew this choice  _ intimately. _ And while he would never tell an Angel to choose knowledge, (because of the sheer physical and emotion pain) Eve was not an Angel. She was a human. And Crowley loved her for it. Full of questions and curiosity and a thirst for what she couldn’t know. What was supposedly ineffable. Crowley decided the first time he talked to Eve that he loved her, lloved humans. He was no longer envious of them, because yes, perhaps these humans were modelled after the angels, but their curiosity rivalled Crowley’s own, and that made them just like him. That made them  _ almost angelic _ . Crowley found that he rather liked sharing that with the humans, that certain not-quite-holy aura. For once, he had found people that were exactly like him.

\----

The day came, when God finally cast Adam and Eve out… and Crowley was beyond furious. He was seething mad. How dare she?! She was the one who had put that damn tree there in the first place. She was the one who had made them with curiosity. She had given them that trait! But mostly, he felt guilty. He had been foolish, believing that these new humans couldn’t fall just as Angels could. He had led Eve to the decision she had made. He had believed it would be fine, because they weren’t expected to be perfect like angels were, God would forgive this minor slip up.  _ He was wrong. _

Crowley decided that day that he didn’t quite want to do this temptation thing anymore


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley snapped.... 😬

Crowley slithered his way up to where Aziraphale was standing almost as soon as the other had taken his post again after leading the humans out. It was a bad idea. A horrible, bad idea. But his guilt over the exile was threatening to swallow him whole, and he craved conversation. 

“Well, that went down like a lead balloon.” He attempted to joke, twisting the ring on his finger. 

“Ah... I’m sorry? A what?” The angel asked nervously. 

Crowley merely waved him off. “Oh, nothing, nothing.” He shrugged. The demon looked Aziraphale up and down, raising a brow. “Say, Angel. Didn’t you have a flaming sword?”

“Um... I don’t, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You did! It was flaming as anything!” Crowley exclaimed. “What happened to it?”

Aziraphale murmured something that Crowley couldn’t quite hear. “What was that, angel?”

“I gave it away!” He cried, furrowing his brow. “It’s cold out there, and she’s expecting already, and there are too many dangerous animals!”

Crowley stared at him in slight awe. Just when he thought he couldn’t possibly love Aziraphale any more. “You gave it away.” He repeated softly. “That’s..” He stopped himself from complimenting Aziraphale’s decision. “Different.” 

The angel sighed, “I’m just a bit worried now. What if God didn’t want me to give it away? What if I’ve just made a horrible mistake?”

Crowley shook his head. “You were tasked with the job of protecting Adam and Eve. It doesn’t matter that they’ve been banished. That’s your job. So, by giving them the sword, you’ve just been doing your job.” He soothed.

Aziraphale bit his lip. “Are you certain?”

“100 per cent.”

The angel smiled slightly, “alright then.” He hummed. When the rain started to fall from the heavens, Aziraphale lifted his wing to shield the demon from it. 

Crowley returned his smile, scooting a bit closer.

\---

The next time Crowley saw Aziraphale, it was in Mesopotamia, a thousand years later.

\---

In that time, Crowley had only grown fonder of the humans. He had stayed with Adam and Eve, travelling with them, just because he didn’t have much else to do. He found that he loved children even more than adults. Children had no boundaries, no filter. They asked whatever they wanted, said whatever they wanted. He adored them. 

\---

He stood with Aziraphale, watching the ark being built. “Care to fill me in on what’s going on?” He asked 

“Well, the almighty is going to flood the whole area, like a sort of deep cleaning, these people are too sinful.” 

Crowley tensed up. “What?” He hissed, narrowing his eyes. He looked out over all these humans, these wonderful, curious, amazing humans, with all their little shops and their writings, and classes with teachers and such. The almighty was just going to end all of this? Because they weren’t doing exactly as she wanted? And she had the nerve to call herself all-loving? His eyes landed on some children playing. “Even the children? You can’t kill children!”

“Everyone who isn’t on the ark will be wiped out. It’s her will.” 

Crowley was positively boiling with rage. “To hell with her will.” He spat. 

Aziraphale’s eyes went wide. “Watch your mouth, Crowley!”

Crowley rolled his eyes. With a snap of his fingers the word was spread, a mass temptation, convincing everyone to evacuate immediately. 

The angel recoiled. “You can’t do this! It’s the effable plan, Crowley.

Crowley snarled, glaring up at the sky, from where raindrops had begun to fall. This time, Aziraphale did not offer a wing to stand under. “_The ineffable plan can burn._” He hissed.


	4. Chapter 4

Crowley left. He went to hell and he holed himself in that little office he had. He sobbed his eyes out for the longest time. Crowley didn’t often cry… He tried not to make a habit of it. After all, it wasn’t exactly smiled upon for demons to show human emotions. But after the supposed-to-be flood, after watching Aziraphale just be blindly complacent in the slaughtering of thousands. He just felt so lost. He didn’t understand how God could make that decision. He didn’t understand how the angels could just stand-by. Crowley hated it. He hated that place, He hated those people, all of it. He hated all of it with all of his damned, forsaken heart. 

He took a nap, a long, long, long nap. To avoid leaving his office, to avoid Beelzebub, to avoid all the praise for throwing a wrench in god’s plan. He didn’t give a damn and a half about that stupid plan. What he cared about were the humans. When he finally woke up from that damn long nap. He finally realised why Beelzebub looked so familiar. All of his thinking about heaven had allowed him to connect the dots. And even though it was completely unprofessional, he gave Beelzebub the biggest hug and then spilt his guts about everything, the love he still held for Aziraphale, his love for the humans, the true reason behind him saving everyone from the flood, everything. 

To Beelzebub’s credit, they listened to every word. They let Crowley say everything he needed to, because he was their little brother and whether they liked it or not, he cared deeply for them. Which is why they also forbade him from seeing Aziraphale again. They couldn’t let him get hurt by those angels again. The angels had taken his heart and torn it up into this mangled thing full of hurt. Beelzebub decided they wouldn’t let that happen again. 

Crowley, of course, tried to argue his point. Tried to convince Beelzebub that he had to talk to Aziraphale, for simple business reasons, but the other wasn’t having it.

“Crowley… I have thousands of demons I can put on the case of conversing with the angel Aziraphale.” They stated simply. 

Crowley twisted his ring anxiously.

Beelzebub took note of the movement. “Crowley… Take the ring off.” They said carefully.

The demon looked at Beelzebub as if they were off their block. “I beg your pardon?” He questioned.

“It’s tying you to him, Crowley. You’ll never be able to able to get over him while you’re wearing his ring. Take it off, give it to me.” 

Crowley had always been a people pleaser, no matter how much he attempted to hide it. Slowly, he worked the golden band off of his finger. “What’ll you do with it?” It felt like a betrayal, to Aziraphale, to their marriage, to everything. 

“Nothing, Crowley, I’m just going keep it safe, away from you.” They answered. “I’m doing this for you, Crowley. It’s for the better.” 

Crowley handed off the ring and it felt as if he was handing off a piece of his heart.

\---

Crowley had snuck out to see the crucifixion. He wanted to see if there was anything he could do for the man. There probably wasn’t, but he would feel better for trying. 

He hadn’t expected Aziraphale to be there. But he should have. Crowley laid his eyes on Aziraphale and his heart ached. He kept quiet. After all, the two hadn’t parted on the best of terms last time. He didn’t regret what he had done, not at all, but he regretted what he said. Faith was important to Aziraphale, and Crowley had practically told him to go shove his faith up his ass. 

Aziraphale noticed him after several minutes. The angel bit his lip, tapping him on the shoulder. “Crowley…” He started, frowning. He waited until the other turned around. “Thank you.” He whispered.


	5. Chapter 5

Crowley turned to him. “Thank you?”

Aziraphale frowned softly. “You saved me from a lifetime of guilt.” He admitted. “I couldn’t have done anything, you understand. But you saved them, all of them. Thank you.”

Crowley sighed. “I don’t need any thanks, Angel.” He rubbed his finger where his ring should have been. “Just don’t my job, screwing up the ineffable plan.”

Aziraphale nodded, deciding not speaking further on it. He turned his eyes to the scene before him. He winced as the nails were driven into Jesus’ palms. The angel could only imagine how bad that hurt.

Crowley eyed the spectacle being made from murder and he shook his head. “What did he say to get them all this angry?”

Aziraphale pursed his lips. “Be kind to one another.” 

Crowley only chuckled ruefully, “Aye, that’ll just about do it.” He murmured.

\---

The two of them didn’t meet again until 41 A.D, in ancient Rome. 

Crowley was sitting at a bar in a random pub. He couldn’t tell you exactly where in the empire he was, or even what the pub name was. But he fancied their mead an awful lot. 

Aziraphale was delighted to see him again. Crowley was not as bad as the other angels tried to tell him he was. He had seen it with his own eyes, he had seen Crowley’s angelic kindness. It made him somewhat question whether or not the other was a demon at all, or merely perhaps an undercover agent. “Crowley!”

The demon turned his hand and felt his heart swell. It had been too long since he had seen Aziraphale, his angel. He smiled, wide and genuine. “Aziraphale!” 

The angel walked a bit closer to him, so they weren’t shouting across the restaurant. “So, how have things been? Still a demon then?”

Crowley raised a brow. “What the hell kind of a question is that? What else would I be, an aardvark?” He sassed.

Aziraphale just gave a little chuckle. “Certainly not. Say... There’s a new restaurant across the street and they do the most amazing things to oysters if you’d like to join me.” He offered. 

Crowley stood, carefully considering the offer. Beelzebub would kill him. “I’ve never had an oyster.”

“Oh! Well let me tempt yo-” Aziraphale caught himself, chuckling awkwardly. “Oh, sorry.”

Crowley shook his head with a bit of a smirk. “Shut up and take me to this restaurant, Angel.”

They left the pub arm-in-arm. 

\---

Beelzebub found out. Of course, they found out. Crowley was stupid to think they wouldn’t.

“You directly disobeyed me, Crowley!” They hissed, practically buzzing with rage. “You are not a fucking angel anymore, you can’t love one!” Beelzebub just wanted him to be okay! Why couldn’t Crowley understand that they were trying to help?

“You love Gabriel!” Crowley countered.

Beelzebub stilled. “Don’t.” They spat, their voice cold and tight, lethal. “Don’t you bring him up in this room. You understand me? I made my peace with that asshole when he pushed me over heaven’s edge.” 

Crowley had the decency to look ashamed. “You still love him though, Beelzebub. Even after he did that to you, so why can’t you understand that I still love Aziraphale!”

Beelzebub took a deep breath, pursing their lips. They put their hand on Crowley’s shoulder. “I understand your plight all too well, brother. But we can’t follow our feelings anymore. We lost that privilege.” 

Crowley frowned. “I know.” He muttered. 

“Good. Now buck up. Go see him one last time. Say a proper good-bye, alright?”

“Yeah.” He sighed, evaporating into thin air as he transported himself to wherever Aziraphale was.


	6. Chapter 6

Aziraphale was still in Rome, Crowley could sense that much… But it took him a bit of time for him to actually find the angel. The other was, unsurprisingly, in a restaurant. He chuckled at how infatuated the other was with human food. A pang of guilt hit him, knowing he’d likely ruin Aziraphale’s dinner with such dim news. 

He approached the table, “Hello, Dea-” No, Aziraphale wasn’t his dearest anymore. This was a goodbye. Crowley clenched his fists behind his back. “Hello, angel. Do you mind a guest for supper?” 

The angel looked up, smiling warmly. “Crowley. How delightful to see you again. Of course, you can join me!”

Crowley sat directly across from him, smiling weakly. He couldn’t believe this was truly good-bye. He decided not to tell Azirphale until they were both leaving. There was no reason to ruin the night early. 

\---

Supper turned to desserts, and desserts turned to watching the dancers, and Crowley’s knees were weak as they watched the performance, Aziraphale just a bit closer to him than could be considered strictly friendly. 

There was a hand on his own and he recognised the cool feeling of distinctly Heavenly gold. There was something about the aura of Heavenly jewellery that made it unmistakable. 

He glanced at their hands, Aziraphale’s absent-mindedly holding his own and there it was; the ring that matched his own. The wedding bands were a matching set, forged and designed by Gabriel as a gift… just as Crowley had formed Gabriel and Ramiel’s (Beelzebub’s) engagement rings from the stars themselves. He almost started crying there and then. After all this time, after losing any memory of Raphael (Crowley), Azirphale still wore his wedding band.

“Lovely ring,” Crowley commented. 

Aziraphale looked over at him, “Pardon? Oh… Oh, yes. It is, isn’t it? Gabriel told me it was forged in the heat of love itself, I don’t remember where it’s from though. You see, Crowley, in heaven, love is a tangible thing. You can feel it and hold it.” He explained.

Crowley already knew all about how love worked in Heaven, he had been an archangel, after all. But he allowed Aziraphale to explain little things like this all the time because the principality looked so happy to talk about Heaven. So he simply nodded along. “I see, that’s interesting.” 

“Isn’t it just?” An Aziraphale’s smile shone brighter than any star Crowley could have ever created. Crowley had an idea, a stupid idea that most likely wouldn’t even work… but if it did work, He’d have Aziraphale, he’d have the other archangels, he’d have his workshop, all of it. He’d get it all back. 

“Angel… I need you to get me a meeting with Archangel Gabriel. Tell him… well, tell him it’s a matter of repentance.”

  
  


Aziraphale gave him an odd look, but he didn’t question it, merely nodding. “Alright then, dear boy.”

\---

It had taken seven business days for Gabriel to meet him in the heart of Rome.

He stared at Crowley like the other was dirt on the bottom of his sandals and it really shouldn’t have hurt the demon as much as it did.

“I’ve been told there’s a human in need of repentance?” Gabriel huffed, his voice practically dripping with an ‘I’m-holier-than-thou’ attitude. 

Crowley had to fight back a sneer, this was not the same Gabriel who had sat in his workshop and crafted stars with him, nor was it was same Gabriel who had come to hide in the infirmary whenever playing with Micheal and Uriel had gotten just a bit too rough. This whole ‘business’ vibe did not suit the puppy-dog little angel he had grown up beside, the angel he considered a brother. He considered all the archangels his siblings, even if his blood bonds laid only with Beelzebub. 

“Not a human, Gabriel.” He was almost as tall as Gabriel now, funny what things changed when one fell. He used to be beautiful, rounded curves, full lips, long auburn hair, constellations tattooed on his skin, always glowing. He looked nothing like that now, his curves had sharpened, his hair had darkened, his constellations replaced by clusters of snake scales. 

Gabriel looked him up and down, before laughing mockingly. “Surely you don’t mean for a demon to repent, you wily old thing.” 

Crowley snarled, “Watch it, Gabriel. Why can’t a fallen Angel repent?”

“It’s simply unheard of, Demon. Why would you want to repent anyway, when you fought a whole war to get away from Heaven?” He asked, narrowing his eyes. 

“I didn’t fight in the war, Gabriel.” He said plainly.

“Then how did you fall?” Gabriel wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“I asked too many questions.”

Gabriel looked at him, really, truly looked at him, because he only knew of one angel who asked too many questions. “R-Raphael? You fell?” You see, Raphael’s fall had been a special case, the first time an archangel fell who hadn’t fought in the rebellion… so after the archangels erased the memories of the lower angels, God herself erased the memories of her archangels. She didn’t completely remove Raphael from their memories, that had the potential to cause too many issues, so she merely erased his fall and told her archangels that he was out on earth doing her work. 

Crowley felt as if he was burning, falling, all over again as Gabriel spoke his name. Beelzebub was right… It hurt to hear your old name. 

Gabriel was in too much shock to even realise the pain his little brother (because Gabriel considered Raphael his brother as well. They all did) was in. He approached carefully, taking Crowley’s face in his hands. He miracled Crowley to his former self, all full cheeks and constellations. It was a mere illusion, but it helped him cope. “Oh, Raphael… we’ve been looking for you everywhere!” He murmured.

Crowley had been expecting the pain that time, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. “Where exactly did you all think I had been?” 

“Her almighty said you were out doing the lord’s work,” Gabriel muttered. “Heaven’s turned so cold without you. Micheal doesn’t smile anymore… Uriel doesn’t do anything but her paperwork. We miss you!” 

Crowley sighed. “I miss you all too, stupid. Why do you think I’m trying to repent?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter bc I long for Gabriel and Crowley/Raphael interacting. I... they’re so soft.


	7. Chapter 7

Gabriel was quick to understand what Crowley was trying to say. “You want me to sponsor your Repentance?”

Crowley gave a short nod. “In simple terms, yes. I need an archangel to overwatch and sponsor my repentance to make it legitimate.” He sighed, “You’re obviously my first choice. I don’t trust the others to not laugh in my face and call me a liar. The few things I’ve heard about them were none too flattering.” 

The angel’s reaction was nothing too exciting. Gabriel frowned a bit, putting his hand on Crowley’s shoulder. “The uh, the rumour mill is unfortunately correct this time. Our siblings have forgotten themselves over the years. And not even I’m untouched by this change. Heaven has grown so clinical and detached.” He swallowed, biting his lips. “It’s not home anymore, Raphael.” He looked around. “I don’t want to go back.” 

Crowley winced softly, but the pain seemed to lessen, at least a little. “Gabriel, you have to go back. We both know that.” He placed his hand over Gabriel’s when I’m back, I’ll help everyone feel better again, I promise. But we have to get there first, Gabriel.”

“You’re right. I hate it when you’re right.” He muttered, almost childishly. “We’ll meet here in a fortnight, I’ll bring the prayer scrolls and we’ll begin.”

Crowley smiled softly. “Sounds wonderful.”

\---

Crowley read exactly off the scroll as it was written, adding in small bits here and there, Gabriel’s heavenly aura acting as a sort of signal boost, to get the prayer to God faster. “ _ Lord, I’m tired of the sin struggle in my life. I feel distant from You. My choices have not led me to the right places. I’ve listened to the whispers of my enemy instead of Your words in Scripture, and the result has been disastrous. _

_ I once walked with you, my heart tender to Your leading. Yet little by little, I exchanged Your truths for temptations and deceit that led me away from You. Instead of taking thoughts captive and confessing them immediately, I allowed them to grow totally out of control. Repentance was not in my vocabulary. Blame, cover-ups, or trying to reason and rationalize sin never work. They only give birth to deeper sin entanglements.” _

Gabriel’s beaming smile encouraged him to continue. He had had his doubts on whether this would even work, but Gabriel had argued away any doubt, insisting that God would appreciate his efforts, and with enough time, she would invite him back into heaven with a renewed angelhood. He trusted Gabriel enough to know that he wouldn’t lie to Crowley about something so serious.

\---

And Gabriel was right. 

Crowley was realising as time past, that small things were changing. First, his pupils rounded out, then his nails softened into curves instead of claws, after that, his constellations started coming back, replacing the snake scales, then his wings started to lighten gradually. He was so excited, This was progress, this was really good progress!

\---

Beelzebub had noticed as well it seemed. And they had no qualms with confronting him. 

“Why the hell is your appearance changing, Crowley?” They spat, already knowing the answer.

“I… I was repenting. I’m trying to get back into heaven, Beelzebub.” He murmured, almost sheepish. There were very few things that genuinely scared Crowley, Beelzebub’s anger was number one, always. 

“Who was your sponsor, Crowley.” Their voice was calm, too calm.

“I… I really shouldn’t say.”

“ANTHONY J. CROWLEY!”

He jumped at that. “Gabriel! It was Gabriel, damn it!”

Beelzebub sneered, grabbing Crowley by the collar of his shirt, dragging him out of hell. They opened a portal to heaven once the two of them were on earth. 

Now, technically, demons weren’t allowed to go to Heaven, but that didn’t mean they physically couldn’t.

Every angel stopped in their tracks as Beelzebub dragged Crowley into Heaven. They were livid. 

Micheal was the first to approach, a look of disgust etched on her features. “Might I be able to help the two of you?” She asked, tight-lipped. 

“Move, Micheal. I’m here for Gabriel’s head, not yours.” Beelzebub spat. 

At the mention of his name, Gabriel popped up beside Micheal. “Someone called?”

Beelzebub let go of Crowley, who stumbled back a bit, looking positively cowed. They stepped forward, decking Gabriel. “How dare you.” They hissed, narrowing their eyes. “How fucking dare you. First, you cause my fall and now you try and corrupt and take the only family I have left?” They were unrelenting upon the angel. “You are the single most selfish arse I have ever met. Did Crowley ask for this, or did you force it upon him because you wanted your precious little brother back? Keep in mind, he’s not your actual brother, Gabriel, he’s mine.” 

Gabriel rubbed his aching jaw. “I… I’m helping him! Why are you so mad at me for helping him?” He huffed. “I can help you too! If you want, sponsor your repentance as well, Ramiel!”

Beelzebub doubled over in pain at their former name. “I don’t want repentance from a worthless god.” They spat.

Crowley shifted uncomfortably. “Beez…” He started, “You shouldn’t say things like that.” 

Beelzebub looked at him in disbelief. “Is that so? She cast you out, Crowley, sent you burning for no good reason, and then had everyone’s memories of you erased, like you never existed here. Your own soulmate doesn’t even remember you? Is that the sort of god you want to grovel to for forgiveness?”

Crowley bit his lip… that was true after all.

“Ramiel, that is quite enough,” Gabriel spoke, earning a pained hiss from Beelzebub. “God is a loving and forgiving creator. After all, look at Raphael, He’s been repenting and he’s almost fully angel again.” 

Crowley wanted to leave, everyone was staring at him, as if he was some lab experiment, and he didn’t appreciate it. “I… I think it would be best if Beelzebub and I just left.” He tried to cut in, but Beelzebub cut him off, levelling him with a look. 

“This is what you want to leave me for? A corporate nightmare that never ends? Full of emotionless angels who sell each other out? I thought you were smart, Crowley.”


	8. Chapter 8

Crowley felt his stomach churn. “I… Beelzebub, it’s not like that.” He murmured softly. 

“Isn’t it though?” They spat. “These people will never accept you, Crowley. Oh, sorry, or should I say ‘Raphael’?” 

Crowley winced, curling in on himself a fair bit. It felt tenfold worse for an unholy creature to speak a holy name. 

Gabriel stepped in once more. “Stop this! You are trying to corrupt him for your own gain.” He huffed, standing tall, almost threateningly tall. 

“And what’ll you do about it, scarf-boy? You lot will never accept him fully. He’ll always be a fallen angel to you. You think he’ll get the respect he deserves? You angels are too judgemental for that. He’ll always be damaged goods to you all.” They glared up at Gabriel, sneering.

Crowley felt a bit sick. That was true, wasn’t it? They would never fully accept him again, would they? He would always be the archangel that fell. Raphael, the disgrace that begged to come back. 

A set of arms wrapped around him, pulling him close. “Raphael, don’t feed into such thoughts, you’re doing so well.” Gabriel murmured softly. 

Crowley felt as if he was being torn in two separate directions. 

Beelzebub scowled, shoving Gabriel away from Crowley. “Don’t touch him. You say that I’m corrupting him, but here you are whispering in his ear.” They growled. “You draw him in with all your glitter and gold, but what can you promise him after all is said and done?”

“Heavenly love.” Gabriel shot back.

“Only until he asked too many questions again though, right? Because God just wants mindless slaves to do her work for her and the second her angels act out, the love runs out, doesn’t it?” 

Crowley bit his lip hard enough to make it bleed a muddled mix of both black and gold ichor.

Gabriel took note of that. “Ramiel, he will know better this time! I will know better this time, I can help him follow the rules better!”

“You can’t change him, Gabriel! He is curious by his very nature! You know nothing about him anymore!” 

“Can you both stop yelling?!” Crowley huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “This is ridiculous!”

Beelzebub looked over at him, taking a step towards him and wiping the ichor from his lip. “You forget how sharp your fangs are, Crowley.” They muttered. “Come, let us go back then.”

“Raphael… Don’t go back. You belong here!” Gabriel insisted.

And once again, Crowley was put in the middle of an impossible choice.


	9. Chapter 9

Beelzebub glared at Gabriel. They frowned, offering a hand to Crowley. 

Gabriel stood tall once more. He was completely professional, his face carefully blank. “Raphael, if you go back to hell, there won’t be a single thing I can do to help you.”

“He doesn’t need your help, Gabriel.” 

“That may be so, but he wants it, Ramiel.” Gabriel countered.

Beelzebub hissed, “That’s not my name, that hasn’t been my name since you pushed me off the edge of heaven itself.” 

“I did what I had to do, Ramiel! You were spying on us for Lucifer!”

“I was working to get the truth! Hell knows the almighty doesn’t tell you shit.”

“We have faith in the ineffable plan!” 

Beelzebub sneered, “Your faith is blind. It will lead you to your fall.”

Gabriel matched their sneer, taking a step forward and grabbing their lapels. “How dare you.” He spat. 

Beelzebub glared up at him. “What are you going to do,  _ darling _ ? Make me fall a second time?”

Gabriel faltered, his grip loosening. “I… I didn’t want to. I- I did my job, Ramiel. I had no choice.” He whispered.

“You had every choice.” They replied, but their tone lacked its usual bite.

“I’m sorry. Ramiel, I’m so so sorry. I didn’t want to, but Micheal insisted we tell her about absolutely any rebel news. I was backed into a corner, darling, please, forgive me.” 

Beelzebub frowned, as a now crying Gabriel buried his face in the crook of their neck. Hesitantly, they let out their wings, charred and blackened, and wrapped them around the archangel, just to provide a bit of privacy. 

Gabriel hugged Beelzebub as tightly as he could, apologising repeatedly. He hated what he had done. Every day he wished he could undo exactly what he did.

Beelzebub sighed. “Hush. You’re simply making a fool of yourself now, Gabriel.” They murmured softly.

Gabriel was just a sort of mess, tears streaked down his face. He pulled away, wiping his eyes on his scarf. “Right, right, my apologies, Beelzebub.” he murmured. That was the first time he had used Beelzebub’s proper name. 

Beelzebub merely nodded.

Neither of them said it, but this whole debacle had been a big step in the mending of their relationship. 

\--- 

Crowley went to earth. It was effectively the middle ground between Heaven and Hell. It offered him space and time to have a think about the situation. 

As it were, his think lasted a good bit of time and was often interrupted by weekly dinners with Aziraphale, not that he much minded those at all. But then… the day came, where the world reeked of sulfur and burning, and Crowley had this horrible feeling in his stomach. He was back in hell at a moment’s notice, and god, the stench just killed him. Everyone was gathered around something and Crowley pushed and shoved, his heart racing. He was praying, he was praying that it wasn’t what he thought it was. Wasn’t who he thought it was. As he pushed to the front of the circle, he nearly collapsed. It felt like every fibre of his being had been ripped to shreds, because the scene in front of him was horrid. Seeing the poor sod in front of him hurt so so bad. He kneeled next to the freshly fallen angel, and seeing the angel’s face, it hurt Crowley worse than his own fall. Because this was unfair, uncalled for, a complete shock. 

Because his angel had fallen. His Aziraphale had fallen.

  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

Crowley couldn’t believe the scene in front of him. His angel, huddled in a mass of burning feathers, his perfect wings black with soot and char. And all the other demons were watching as if this was all some sort of spectacle. Crowley sneered to himself. How fucking dare they. How dare they sit here and watch his angel burn without the slightest bit of empathy. 

“Get lost, all of you!” He shouted, snarling. There was a sort of unholy rage in his eyes that scared everyone off. 

He rushed to kneel beside Aziraphale, scooping him up in his arms. “Aziraphale… an-” He stopped himself. He couldn’t very well use that nickname anymore.

Aziraphale looked up at him. “Crowley…” He murmured, his voice sore and strained. 

Crowley figured it was likely from screaming. “What happened?” He asked hesitantly.

“I… I committed a deadly sin, or rather, a myriad of them, as Micheal said. I’d rather not discuss it, dear boy.” 

Crowley was going to beat the shit out of Micheal. As soon as everything settled, he was going to go up there and kick up a fuss, just like Beelzebub had. Aziraphale was as angel as an angel could be! He was one of the few angels who actually gave a shit about the earth and the humans God was so supposedly proud of. He was the only angel who loved anything any more, the rest of them were just apathetic. 

He helped Aziraphale stand, “C’mon then, I’ll give you the tour.” He muttered.

Aziraphale bit his lip, “You look rather upset.”

“Of course I’m upset, Aziraphale. They made you fall!”

“Well, look at it this way Crowley, at least now we can be together, officially and all.” 

Crowley turned to face him, looking positively mortified. “I… Aziraphale. You fell. This… this is not good. I didn’t… I didn’t want this to happen to you. Anyone one but you.” He murmured. “I… I was going to repent. I was going to come up to you! Why’d you have to go and be stupid?” His hands were trembling now, and he couldn’t breathe as calmly as he had before. “You’re so clever! How can someone as clever as you be so stupid? I had decided! I had decided to repent! And now you’ve fallen, and you’ve gone through everything I didn’t want you to!” He sniffled, wiping angrily at his eyes. 

Aziraphale frowned, cupping Crowley’s cheeks. “Shhh, It’s alright dear, It’s alright.” 

“S’not! It’s not alright! They’ll eat you alive down here, Aziraphale! You like human food, and books, and pastel colours, and hell will take that and crush it right in front of you! You’ll leave here as apathetic as the rest of the lot!” 

“Crowley, It will be fine!” Aziraphale said rather firmly. “Buck up, darling. Hell will not change me any more than it changed you.”

And Crowley knew that Aziraphale didn’t mean anything harmful from that last comment, but it hurt, It dug under his skin and stung. “But I did change! I changed so so much, Aziraphale!” He insisted. “I used to be like you, like all the angels, bright colours and happy smiles and all… Look at me now? Do I look anything close to Angelic?”

Aziraphale looked him up and down, frowning. “I… I’m sorry. Crowley, I’m sorry.”

“No, no, It’s not your fault. Don’t apologise, Aziraphale.” He murmured. He hugged him tight. “Don’t ever apologise. Not your fault, at all. Don’t you go thinking like that, you clever, stupid man, you.” He huffed.

Aziraphale sighed, relaxing into the hug. It was a small thing, a hug, but it made everything feel a bit better. 


	11. Chapter 11

Crowley was mad, a right, proper mad. And he didn’t often get mad, but this was different, this was incredibly personal, and Crowley would tear Heaven down cloud by cloud to enact the proper revenge for his Aziraphale. Or rather, his Ezra now, he supposed. 

He pushed his way into Heaven, kicking and screaming. 

Gabriel was the first to encounter him, confused. “Raphael… What the heavens are you doing here?”

Crowley sneered. “Who did it?” He snarled. “Who pushed him over?” That was just how falling worked, you never fell on your own, someone always pushed you. 

Gabriel’s face went pale. “Raphael, I understand that you’re angry… but let’s think rationally.” 

“Fuck you, Gabriel! Who did it?”

The archangel balled his scarf up in his hands. “Michael… It was Michael. Raphael, Please… don’t make a scene!”

Crowley sneered once again. “Don’t make a scene? Don’t make a scene; He says! Where’s Michael!”

In an instant, Michael was beside Gabriel, perfectly poised. “Right here, Demon-scum.” 

Crowley looked them up and down, scowling. “You son-of-a-bitch. How fucking dare you!” He lunged forward, slugging Michael in the jaw. 

Michael reared back, ready to smite the demon in front of them. They didn’t recognise the demon in the slightest. 

Gabriel stepped in once more. “Michael, don’t you dare!” He shouted though it sounded more like a plea than a demand. 

“Why shouldn’t I? This demon just struck me!”

“He’s just in pain, Michael! He didn’t mean it!”

“Of course I fucking meant it! Michael pushed him off the damn edge!” Crowley hissed.

Michael looked at the demon in disgust. “That’s quite enough!” They snapped their fingers and two angels were holding Crowley down and Michael was holding a pitcher of Holy Water. 

Crowley felt fear rock his very core. This was not how this was supposed to go.

Gabriel went wide-eyed. “Michael, Are you positively mad?”

“Striking an Archangel is a capital offence.” They said primly. 

Crowley felt his stomach churn, but still, Aziraphale was the main thing on his mind. “Aziraphale was ten times the angel you are, Michael. He loved. He held more love in his pinky finger than you do in your entire body! He loved humans so much that he was willing to give his life for them! He loved God’s greatest creation with all his heart. And that’s more than you lot have ever done! He had so much love in him that he even loved me. He still loves me, can you fathom that, loving a demon? Can you imagine how big a heart that takes? Aziraphale was the only angel ever worth the name!” 

In a cruel twist of fate, a roll of god’s ever havoc-wrecking dice, Crowley’s little tirade had apparently turned the eye of whoever was in charge of repentance, because a heavenly glow encased him, returning him to all his archangel glory, all six wings, and constellations and all. It took him a few moments to completely realise what had happened, but when he did, he was not happy in the slightest.

“No! No! Fuck!” He hissed, panicked and wide-eyed. “No, No, turn me back! Fuck! This wasn't supposed to happen!” His eye landed on Gabriel, just as shocked as he was. He took his brother’s hands, placing them flat on his chest. “Push me! PUSH ME, GABRIEL!”

Gabriel seemed to come to his senses rather quickly, “What? I… No! I can’t do that to you, Raphael!” 

“Push me, you piece of shit! Just push me! Please! Gabriel, Please!” He was frantic in his demands, turning to Michael. “Michael, you were just about to kill me! Push me! I just hit you! Make me fall, as I deserve! Come on, then! Do it!” 

Michael just stood there, awe-struck. 

Crowley was on the verge of tears now, desperate. “Please… I… I…” He stammered, unable to voice his needs. 

Gabriel gulped, “Raphael, dear… I think it’s best if we have a little rest now, sort things out in a bit.” He placed a hand on Crowley’s shoulder, leading him away. 

Crowley couldn’t do a thing but slump his shoulders and follow along.


	12. Chapter 12

Gabriel wasn’t good with comforting people. He wasn’t good with all of these feelings, but he tried, for Raphael at least. “Raphael… I can’t say I understand how you’re feeling… but it’s alright, we can figure something out.”

“Figure something out? Gabriel… I… This isn’t just a silly little cock-up! We’re on completely different sides now!” 

“Brother, you’ve been on different sides this entire time. It’s just switched around now.” He murmured, fussing with Raphael’s hair. Gabriel had always had a closer relationship with Raphael than he did with any of the other archangels. Raphael had always been his favourite, and he was selfishly a bit happy with what had happened, he had his little brother back. 

Raphael perked up a bit at that. “Wait a mo… We have, haven’t we? Gabriel, you’re brilliant!” He grinned. “It’ll work out just fine, just like it’s worked out for the last six thousand years!” 

Gabriel couldn’t help but smile at how happy the other was. “It’ll work.” 

\---

“Lord Beelzebub… Where is Crowley?” Aziraphale, or rather, Ezra asked. 

Beelzebub sighed, shrugging slightly. “I don’t know.” They lied. They knew exactly where Crowley was, they knew he was throwing a fit up in Heaven. But they also knew that the new demon probably wouldn’t appreciate that all too much. Crowley had asked them to show Ezra the ropes while he was gone. Beelzebub was starting to regret saying yes. They didn’t very well favour this new demon, still to angelic for their tastes. 

Ezra just sort of sighed softly. “Right, Right. My apologies.” He murmured. He didn’t much like hell. It was sort of dreary and damp. He felt a bit bad that his Crowley had had to put up with this for the past six thousand years. He frowned softly, biting his lip. His poor dear, all alone down here. 

\---

Raphael was eager to see Ezra again, to explain what had happened, to explain that they could still be together. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get back into hell looking so clearly heavenly, but it was worth a try. What was the worst that could happen?

A lot of things could happen, Apparently. Because he was stopped by several demons, threatened with hellfire a number of times, and snarled at by everyone. Beelzebub found him being threatened by Hastur.

“Leave, Hastur. This angel is here on diplomatic business.” They hissed. 

Raphael barely had a moment to speak before Beelzebub was pinning him against the wall rather angrily. “What the hell did you do, Crowley?” 

“I.. I…” He stammered uselessly, trying to formulate a proper sentence. “I went up to heaven to have a row with them, and then Michael tried to kill me, and then Gabriel came,” He didn’t miss how their grip tightened at the mention of Gabriel. “And then I went on a tirade about Zira, how darling he was, and then this happened! I don’t know how to change back without falling again, and that’s not something I ever want to do again!”

Beelzebub just sighed softly. “You idiot.” They murmured. "I can't fucking believe you some times." 

Raphael sighed, "I'm sorry, Beezy. I didn't mean to!"

"I know, that's the worst part. You're just a good fucking person. I've known that. I've always known that. That's why you never fit in here." They frowned, "You belong up there, little brother. I'm not going to try and guilt you into coming down here." Beezlebub paused, "And if Ezra starts a relationship with a certain archangel, I suppose I'll just have to turn a blind eye."

Raphael grinned, bright as the sun. "You will? Beezlebub, you're fantastic! Absolutely fantastic!"

"Shut up, idiot." They grumbled fondly, letting him go. "Now go find the poor sod. He's around here somewhere."


End file.
